Understanding Internal Family Systems: A Compassionate Path to Healing

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a gentle, yet deeply insightful form of therapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. At its heart, IFS is based on the idea that we’re made up of different “parts” – just like members of a family – each with a unique role to help us survive, cope, and carry on through life’s challenges.

Rather than seeing ourselves as broken or “too much,” IFS gives us a language to better understand what’s happening inside. For many people, this framework brings a sense of relief. It helps make sense of anxiety, depression, or behaviours we don’t always understand – and offers a way forward that’s grounded in self-awareness and compassion.

At Lavender Grove Counselling, we often find that people who are ready to look a little deeper – who want more than a surface-level fix – are especially drawn to this approach. IFS can be a powerful tool for healing everything from trauma and anxiety to relationship struggles, addiction, and inner conflict.

What Is “Parts Work” in Internal Family Systems?

One of the core ideas of IFS is that when we go through something overwhelming or painful – especially in childhood – our mind responds by forming different parts to help us manage the stress. Each part develops its own strategy to keep us safe, even if those strategies no longer serve us in adulthood.

That’s why IFS is often referred to as “parts work.” It’s about meeting the different aspects of ourselves – with curiosity and kindness – rather than shame or self-blame. In therapy, we learn how to identify these parts, understand their roles, and eventually guide them with compassion from our true self.

The Manager: The Overachiever and Inner Critic

The manager part is the one that helps us function. It keeps us organized, on task, and moving forward – especially during stressful times. It’s often responsible for our drive to be productive, successful, and in control.

But when this part becomes overactive, it can fuel perfectionism, people-pleasing, or codependent tendencies. We may find ourselves constantly performing or proving our worth, leading to burnout, anxiety, and feelings of emptiness.

In relationship counselling – whether in-person in Vancouver or through relationship counselling online – we often see manager parts show up in the form of self-sacrifice, fear of conflict, or the constant need to keep others happy. When we understand these behaviours as protective strategies rather than personal flaws, healing becomes possible.

The Firefighter: The Quick Fixer in Crisis

Next is the firefighter part – the one that leaps into action when we feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. This part is all about putting out fires. It helps us escape distress, often through impulsive or numbing behaviours like substance use, emotional outbursts, binge eating, or zoning out.

Firefighters aren’t trying to harm us – they’re trying to make unbearable moments more tolerable. But their short-term fixes often come with long-term consequences.

When we experience shame or regret after a firefighter takes over, IFS helps us take a step back and respond with understanding. Instead of judging ourselves, we can ask: What was I trying to protect myself from in that moment?

The Exile: The Hurt We’ve Tucked Away

Exiles are the younger, more vulnerable parts of us – the ones that carry deep wounds from past experiences. They hold our sadness, fear, rejection, and shame. Because they’re so tender, we often try to push them away. That’s why they’re called exiles.

You may notice these parts when you feel triggered and suddenly “younger” than your age – or when an emotional reaction seems disproportionate to the moment. That’s an exile asking for your attention.

IFS doesn’t force us to relive our trauma. Instead, it gives us tools to slowly build trust with these parts and welcome them back into our awareness in a safe and supportive way.

The True Self: The Calm at the Centre

Beneath all of our parts, there is a core essence within us known as the true self. This self is calm, confident, compassionate, and connected. No matter what we’ve been through, our true self is always present – even if it’s been overshadowed by pain or survival strategies.

The goal of IFS isn’t to get rid of our parts – it’s to help them relax and trust the leadership of the self. When we live from this place, we’re more aligned with our values, more present in our relationships, and more resilient in the face of stress.

At Lavender Grove Counselling, we believe that every person deserves to experience this kind of inner clarity and peace. Whether you’re navigating trauma, anxiety, or struggling in your relationships, parts work can help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface.

Letting Go of Shame, Embracing Compassion

Many people carry heavy shame around their behaviour – especially when they’re not acting from their true self. You might feel embarrassed about a moment of anger, overwhelmed by people-pleasing, or stuck in perfectionism and procrastination.

In IFS, we don’t blame these behaviours – we understand them. We explore what part of you took over, and why. And then, instead of judging that part, we thank it for protecting you the best way it knew how.

Whether you’ve been running from your feelings or working too hard to avoid them, it’s important to know: you did what you had to do to survive. Now, it’s time to gently come back to yourself.

Ready to Start Your Journey?

IFS therapy invites you to meet yourself in a new way – not as a broken person who needs to be fixed, but as a complex human with many valuable parts. With time and support, you can build a more compassionate relationship with yourself and live more fully from your true self.

If you’re ready to explore this path, we’re here to help. Whether you’re looking for relationship counselling in Vancouver or prefer the flexibility of relationship counselling online, our team at Lavender Grove Counselling offers a safe and affirming space for your healing journey.